Springtime!

Easter 2011

Well, it has been hectic since I have been back to work and had a "chemo scare", but I think I am getting caught up with things. We went to the mayo Clinic for a second opinion at the suggestion of the oncologist here. Quite frankly, he wasn't sure what to do with me. All of different aspects of my cancer was right under the indications for chemo. The breast oncologist at the Mayo Clinic said right away that I am not a candidate, my tumor is just too small. Praise the Lord for that, but in pushing back my surgery until we saw that doctor, I still haven't had my second surgery. My surgery is now scheduled for June 15th. I am ready for it and to move on.

Avery and I are wrapping up the first grade. We have 3 more weeks left. He has done so well! We are both ready for a break, so is Matthew! Tonight was Avery's last baseball game of the season. He loves it and has really gotten into it! I am posting pics.

Matthew is doing well and getting bigger, he prefers football to baseball and insisted that he needed football cleats when I got Avery's for baseball. They are so cute!

Springtime also means that we emerge for from our winter hibernation! We have been back at church for the last month and Avery has loved sunday school. Matthew is still not so sure. I never put him in the nursery, so this is new for him. He is getting used to it. I asked him what he learned a couple week ago and he said, "Mmm, I don't remember". Avery heard us and told Matthew, "Just say you learned about God, that is a always a good answer!" lol

Our fabo babysitter Sally is home now, and we are so excited! The kids love her so much and that means I get to sleep when Shaw goes to work, at least for the next few months! She has already helped me tremendously around the house.

Hopefully, my posts will be more frequent now that things are settling down a bit.

Back to work

Well, tomorrow night I go back to work, but I don't want to. Physically, I am ready, I think. I will miss my babies, though. Four weeks of being home was nice, I have to admit. I am a little nervous about going back to work because my range of motion in especially the left arm is not back to normal and it is painful to reach up still. I do need to go back to work as my vacation and sick time are all gone now, and there is no reason to be home anymore. If I had a less physical job, I might have been able to go back 2 weeks ago, but we do so many things that require pushing, pulling, and sometimes running. Please pray as I go back that it will go smoothly.

I know that not many people read my blog that do not know what is going on, so I am going to given updates this way sometimes. If you stumble upon this and do not know what is going on, feel free to email me. My next surgery is going to be mid May hopefully the 17th or 18th is we can get that. I am going to have the latissimus dorsi FLAP done, since when the pathology came back, they found the cancer was so near my skin that they want to take some more skin. Only on the the left side though. The recovery time is about the same, 4 weeks will hopefully be enough. Still no chemo or radiation, because there is no cancer there right now, just prophalaxis. Why didn't they do it during the first surgery? They were not positive that it was that near the skin until the pathology came back. So that is 7 weeks until the next one. Thank you for everyone's prayers and support. I really am doing well.

The kids have enjoyed me being home, I know. i have to remind myself of all those reasons that I chose to go back to work in the first place, and I know we made the right decision when I see Shaw with the boys: playing baseball, playing football, snuggling in the bed when I get home from work, etc. I am glad that I can help my family out and allow my husband to be home way more than most dad's get to be. I still miss them. We have been able to keep up with school pretty well also, thank goodness. I should be done with Avery and ready for summer break by the end of my next time off, which will be mid-June (we didn't start until Nov 1st.) This coming up year, we are going to start when everyone else does so I can have more leeway during the year. My third surgery will hopefully be mid August, 8 weeks back at work again before the next one. That one should not be as long of a recovery, because they will only be changing out the expander implants for the permanent silicone ones. Then, maybe I will not feel such pressure during the year and be able to enjoy things a little more. Like science and history. I enjoy having Avery home so much and have no idea when we will send him to school. I would miss him SOOO much and so would Shaw and Mamu.

Please continue to pray as I go back to work and have these upcoming surgeries. I know that God is on control of every part of my life, including finances. I know that He will provide for us as I am out of work for so long also. Thanks everyone for all you guys have done for me and continue to do. Will let everyone know I work goes next week....

Sweet babies

The other day we were at K-Mart on our way out to the car. The kids were in the grocery cart, and I was getting them in the car. Since I am really not supposed to lift anything over 5 pounds, they were trying to climb straight from the cart into the car. I actually did lift Mamu, but Avery tried to climb out. He had one foot in the car and one in the cart. The cart started rolling and his legs were going opposite ways. I grabbed him to me and sort of yelled out. Avery said,"Mom! Are you ok? I am so sorry! Did I hurt you?" Can u believe how sweet that is? I actually yelled put because I was afraid he was going to fall, of course. I could just see his head hitting the pavement! Can u believe how sweet he is? He always thinks of of others before himself, especially me.

Mamu has been as equally sensitive. If he accidentally grazes my chest area, he says," I'm sorry, Mommy, did that hurt? You feel better in 2 days?" He feels them and says,"You are strong, Mommy!" (they are hard as rocks at this point). I miss the snuggling with their heads in the crook of my arm pit and chest. They are such sweet little men!

I am so blessed to have such sweet little boys who care for their mommy so much! How can I stay down for too long with those two around!

Here is my little Mamu's pictures until now. He is such a joy each day, as are both my kids

Mamu at 6 months

Mamu at 9 months

Mamu at one year old

Mamu at 2 years old

My Mamu is 3!

Well, Matthew turned three on March 7th and some dear friends had their little boy that same day, so there was extra cause for rejoicing. We actually had Matthew party the thursday before since my sister and mom will were visiting. We had a family party that night and we had a great time. Matthew and Avery both got a bunch of Buzz Light Year and Spiderman stuff as a together present this year since they both are into costumes and all the same stuff. I was not going to get double of everything. When they got all the stuff, i explained that it was BOTH of theirs to share, not one of the other. Don't think I am a mean mommy or anything, I am tired of toys that no plays with and that I step on. All the buzz light year stuff is in a particular box in a certain spot, and that is the only place they can play it. Then, those little pieces will no be all over the house. They also got new tooth brushes and and some books that they wanted. We had a great time and a fun time with Auntie Cristina (who Avery just calls Cristina now) and Grandma and Papa, who had to leave before we had the party. Like, Avery's I am going to leave you with some fun pictures of the party and some of as he has grown. His birth story I did a couple blogs back, if you missed it-check it out!

Avery is 6!

I cannot believe it has been 6 years since I first laid eyes on my sweet Avery. He has been such a joy in our lives! My sweet little baby is SO big! He is such a wonderful big brother to Matthew too. I don't want to wonder what life would be without him! I remember looking down on him right after he was born and being filled with such love for him and for Shaw. We were a family.

Avery at 6 weeks old

Avery at 2 months old on Father's Day

Avery at 9 months old

Avery at 12 months

Avery at 18 months

Avery at 3 years old

Avery at 4 years old

We had a small birthday party for him yesterday. He picked Spider-Man for the 3rd year in a row. So funny. We were supposed to have 2 friends, but Drew couldn't come at the last minute (his mom was watching out for us since they were exposed to the stomach bug the day before). So we had Benny his best little friend, and we all had a great time. I realized later that I didn't get any pictures of Avery with me or Shaw. We had homemade pizza and chocolate cake with cream cheese icing. The kids played on the trampoline, played tee-ball with Shaw, and, of course, costumes. They had such a great time! Benny got Avery laser tag, so they played that for a while too. He also got him a Toy Story coloring thing that Matthew promptly took over, since Avery is not a big colorer.

We are not big on big birthday parties. which I am sure is not a shock to anybody. We had such a fun time though, and I am so thankful to God for giving us our little Avery.

Kids nutrition

I am sure all of you mom's out there are like me and once you become a mother all of a sudden you are concerned about what your kids are putting in their mouth's. I have become more and more aware of all the options since Avery was born. With Avery, I breastfed him for 2 years and thought that that was enough, I guess. I never considered supplements until Matthew was born. I did make sure Avery ate mostly healthy food, but I never gave him vitamin supplements until almost 3. When Matthew was born, I became even more obsessive about germs and boosting their little immune systems. Of course, I breastfed him until he was 2 also, but I also really starting researching kids nutrition and health. I began to buy organic when it was available, even seek it out even if I had to order online or go to several different stores. I had made Avery's baby food, but not with organic fruits/vege's, so I used those for Matthew's.
I had always used Germ-X and lysol wipes when we went out, but now that I had 2 to worry about, I even started to think long and hard about going out with them during the flu season. I am sure some of you think that that is ridiculous, but really, the kids don't go many places between October and April. Easter is our debut back at church! (Shaw and I take turns going during the winter). If I didn't think it helped after all this time, I wouldn't be so strict about it. I really think it does help. The kids aren't sick much and that makes us all happy!
Our vitamin regimen is as follows: GNC kids multivitamin, Probiotics-1.5 billion cultures twice a day, around 1000mg of vitamin C split over doses am and pm, Calcium 250 mg for Matthew and 500 mg for Avery. It is important for calcium not to be taken with other vitamins as it won't absorb well. Probiotics and Vitamin C are important to boost the immune system. We are also adding an omega fatty acid supplements with omega 3,6, and 9, and also raw unrefined cocao bean, and coconut oil. I will let you know how this goes. The cocao bean is what is responsible for the antioxidants in dark chocolate, but grinding the raw bean yourself increases that antioxidants ridiculously, plus no added sugar and anything else processed. The coconut oil is to sweeten the cocao some and also has its own nutritional value for us. I will let you know how are newest additions go. I told Shaw that this needs to be it though, because of how I am about vitamins, I need to stop reading about more and more supplements. Of course, the body absorbs vitamins and minerals best through food and not a pill, so that is the first step. Our new additions are food, so I feel good about that.
I have really enjoyed Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook Deceptively Delicious to help with kids eating well and also C is for Cooking by Susan McQuillan is fun too. My kids do love to eat and snack, so it is important that they do not fill up with junk all day. I do not keep any kind of chips, cookies, candy, etc in the house at all. If I did, I would eat them also. I try to have healthy snack available and where they can reach since they like to get it themselves. I like the Annie's and Kashi products too for snacks and cereals. I try to always do a fruit and vege for both lunch and supper to make sure they get 3-5 serving in. Of course, we miss the mark every day about something, but the important thing is to keep trying every day and never to give up!
I will leave you with a recipe that Matthew and I made this morning for breakfast before Avery got up: Pumpkin muffins:

Ingredients:
3/4 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup all purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp ground ginger
1 egg
2/3cup brown sugar
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup canned pumpkin(i used 1/2 can not reading it well)
1/2 cup plain yogurt( i used french vanilla)
1 cup oatmeal( i used steel cut oats)

makes 12 muffins, bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes
mix sugar and wet ingredients first, then add dry.
spray muffin tin with nonstick spray (i like to use the floured ones for cakes and muffins)
from Sesame Street "C is for Cooking" by Susan McQuillan, RD

They turned out great, not overly sweet though. The kids loved them! Matthew and I had fun making them too, of course.
I will leave you with pictures of the kids eating supper last night. Spaghetti with sweet potatoes and carrots in the sauce (thanks Jessica Seinfeld) and organic wheat noodles, apples slices, and small slice of Daddy's unhealthy garlic bread (hey, getting 2 out of 3 to eat well is not bad!)

Grieving at work

This last week of work has been really hard on me, so I am sorry I have not posted sooner. Whenever someone hears that I am a labor and delivery nurse, they say,"Awe, that must be so much fun, you must love it!" Well, yes, I do love my job, but what no one else but a labor and delivery nurse thinks about is that sometimes things don't go as well as everyone would hope. In every job there are frustrating parts and my job is no different. It is frustrating when you see mother's who do not take proper care of themselves or their unborn child. It is frustrating when you see a mother that cannot possibly care for or provide for this child because they are so young or have so many or both. Those beautiful scenes that you are picturing are rare. You know, the one where the couple love this baby even before he is conceived and now they are here having the perfect labor and delivery. They are both crying tears of joy as is both of their whole families in the waiting room. The mother looks down at her beautiful (yet a little goopy and bloody) baby and says, "Hello, my love." (i actually had a patient who said this once, i cried). These are the scenes we live for, because they do not happen that often really. Then, the absolute hardest part of my job, when the baby dies, either before they get to me in Labor and Delivery or because of a labor complication or because they are so preterm.

It seems that every 6 months since I had Matthew I have a patient that has a placental abruption (or abruptio placenta). When the placenta tears away from the uterus before birth. If the placenta detaches there is no blood flood to the baby. The babies do not always die, if we can get the baby out before the placenta completely detaches. When I put the mother in the bed and try to find they heart beat and I can't, and I look and look and after about 5 min start to get a sick feeling in my stomach, I think, "Please, Lord let me find this heartbeat." When, I have to look into the mother and father's eyes and say," Well, I am going to call the doctor so he can look with ultrasound, and they see in my eyes what I already know. When, the doctor comes in and with tear filled eyes tries to explain to them what happened, it's not their fault, etc. Then, instead of sitting down and crying, we have to get back to business, we have to get the baby out before the mother's bleeds out. While, we are explaining (usually a cesarean section at this point with a close to term abruption) what must be done with tears streaming down our cheeks and our noses running, we try to hold it together. When the doctor hands me the lifeless baby in the OR, then I usually let go and cry. I hold the baby before the mother does and cry and hold him and cry. Cry for this couple who now will ache for this baby until their dying breath, cry for their families who cannot understand what happened, and cry for myself and my own memories and what might have happened.....
These situations are hard on every labor and delivery nurse, but I especially have a hard time and thank goodness all my co-workers know why and try to be strong for me......
When i was in labor with Matthew it started out similarly to Avery's in that it was back labor and was long. Both my kids were occiput posterior or face up, which causes you to feel the contractions in your back and lower pelvic region. These labors and long and more painful than if the baby was positioned face down. The doctors say,"it's like trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, you can do it, but it's hard." lol. Anyway, things were progressing slowly and I was at home. (I did not use epidurals for my kids, just my preference). After about 10 hours and still not much change, I was in the bathtub waiting for a friend of mine who was coming by to check on me. I felt some fluid come out in the tub, it was bloody. Sometimes, it is a little bloody, so I wasn't worried, but then my contractions were coming back to back. I was like, ok, my water broke this thing is on finally! By the time Nicola got to my house I was feeling pressure and really moaning during the contractions. She said,"It's time for you to go." She stayed with Avery until my mother and mother in law got there, so Shaw and I could go ahead and go to the hospital. Nicola noticed the blood and told Shaw to hurry there was too much blood. After we left, she called the hospital to tell them we were on our way. Then, she went upstairs to my bathroom to clean up a little and saw blood all over the bathroom, the carpet, a couple towels. She knew then, this was not ok. She called to labor and delivery and talked to my doctor, Dr Kent. She told him about all the blood and he said, ok he was waiting on me they were ready.
When we got there, they were waiting on me on the ramp. It's nice to know everybody in a situation like this. Another friend, Jen, was waiting with the wheelchair. She said, ok when this one is over let's get in the wheelchair. They waited and waited, and waited some more. She felt my belly and it was staying firm, no breaks. She said, "Shaw, help my get her in this chair, we need to go!" I remember being flown back to my room and saying, "OH! I wanted room 5, where Avery was born!" They were like TOUGH! get in the bed. My actual nurse was Kim. She put me on the monitor and the baby looked ok. Kim said (knowing i did not want pain meds),"do you want the monitors off? I said,"no, they are fine." i really didn't want anyone touching me to be honest about it. Dr. Kent checked my cervix and I was 8-9 cm's., but my water was not broken yet. ( it was just blood that I had felt and saw).I remember Dr. Kent saying something about I needed something for pain, I was having to hard of a time. Kim, said, "No, Dr. Kent. that's not what Gretchen wants." The baby was having variables (decelerations with contractions) then, i saw them on the monitor. Well, that sometimes happens at the end of labor, but they started an IV then. Then, Dr.Kent wanted to put a scalp electrode on to monitor the heartbeat better and to break my water. So, he did. That's when everything happened. When he broke my water and put the monitor on his head, blood poured out and his heart rate went straight to 40(normal is 120-160). I was so out of it, I didn't even realize what was going on. The said turn to your side, I didn't comprehend. Shaw finally went over to me realizing something was wrong and turned me. I heard Dr. Kent say," It's time to go girls, NOW!" Kim still trying to help me have my natural labor said, "Well, maybe she can push, it is her second baby. They let me try once, but he was still so high, i didn't feel the urge to push. Dr. Kent said after i tried once,"NO, let's go now, let's go. Gretchen, I will see you in the OR!" I still didn't comprehend until I looked over at the fetal monitor and I SAW the 40, 40, 40, 40. The baby wasn't even trying to come up, usually they at least try. Then, I got it. I stood up and walked over to the stretcher to get on. Jen said,"Wait, i will help you." but now I got it and I understood- I might LOSE this baby, he might DIE!!!! let's go now, 10 min ago!!!! NOW! I looked at Shaw and said, "this is bad, babe. You need to pray!" He said, I will , i love you." And then we went, no catheter, no preop meds, no IV fluids (I did have a heplock at this point). No anything, let's just go! On my way to the OR it was surreal. I remember thinking,"This is not happening, there must be a quicker way to get the baby out than THIS! I cannot have a c-section." But then, reality kicked in, this was the best way. When I got into the OR Dr.Kent was waiting on me already scrubbed and sterile. He said, "Shug, get on the table, quick!" I did. I lay down and saw more familiar faces. I wanted to say, "Please, save my baby's life! What will we do if we lose this child!? We have waited so long for him, all of us, even Avery. (we had 2 miscarriages after Avery, before Matthew). PLEASE, LORD,PLEASE!!!!!! Finally, I cannot lose MY Matthew!" but that's now what came out. Guess what came out? I told the anesthesiologist Dr James, I need some Zofran!" He said ok later.... Then, Dr.Kent said, "Have you peed lately, Shug?" Remember, no catheter. I saw him hold the scalpel over my belly and watched it come down (no drape either) to my belly and then I was out... When I woke up in PACU, my baby was alive and surprise surprise, it WAS another boy! He was still sick and getting a blood transfusion. Later, I found out that I bled and bled and poor Dr. Kent, who is more like family after 8 years of working together and taking care of me with Avery and my miscarriages, was talking to me when I was asleep, "Now, Gretchen, you cannot do this to me, you have got to stop bleeding, you cannot do this!" I finally did stop after losing 2 liters or more. My friend Nicola made it just in time and was met with the admissions clerk saying, " You need to hurry, your friend is in trouble!" She made it to the OR and was then met with Shaw in the dressing room connected to the OR on his knees, crying and praying to save our baby's life! She said when she saw me with the ET tube in my throat and my eyes taped shut, she lost it. She said all she could do was cry and pray (well that was enough after all). She was their when I woke up in the PACU. Shaw was not allowed in there. Shaw had taken a picture of Matthew and as soon as my eyes opened, she put in my face and said,"it's a boy, he's ok, he's ok." Shaw wrote me a note on the back of it that was so sweet. I said, "Where is my husband?" and "why did this happen?" Of course, i knew the answer, there is no answer, because it just does sometimes. The recovery was hard for both of us, but I will not do into that, since that is not the point of this story. Thank you, Lord for saving my baby's life and giving Matthew to us!

Matthew's first picture

Matthew getting blood

Sleeping peacefully

Bath time with Big Brother

This experience affected not only me as a labor and delivery nurse, but my coworkers as well. Everyone was crying and praying for me that day, everyone was in a fog for the rest of the day. So, when I have a patient who has an abruption whether we save the baby's life or not, it is very hard on me. I usually get a migraine, one time my whole mouth was filled with canker sores for a week, after a particularly stressful one. I usually have a hard time holding it together especially when the doctor hands me this lifeless beautiful baby, this could have been my Matthew! I know that the Lord saved my baby for a particular purpose and this was his plan for Matthew. I know that it was the Lord's plan not to save this other baby's life. I know, I must trust that He knows what he is doing and this was not an accident that He could not have prevented. He could have prevented it, if it was in His plan. I also, know that just because we have faith in the Lord's plan, that doesn't mean we ought naught to grieve. Grieving is biblical, and so grieve I do for these parents. I cry without shame, hold the baby and cry, hold them and cry, hold their family and cry. I only hope as a nurse, that in some way can make such an awful thing a little better by truly grieving with them. I know this is long, so I will close, but I do want to say one more thing about the girls that I work with at night. We have become so close over the last 10 years, that we finish each others sentences, don't have to ask before they are already doing it, and if it were not for these people, I could not make it through these hard times at work. I know they understand me and I understand each of them. We are not ashamed to cry together, pray together. I know that their faith in our Lord is strong and together we will get through these truly hard times at work.

Matthew 5 months old and Avery 31/2